Right now my time is 'painful'...
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I have sat, stood and knelt with pain and tears from missing you. Recently the tears seem to be attached to my heart and my eyes have a strange glaze that is hard to fade.
I am pleased, my openess and hurt is more visual. I hate myself when I can't shed a tear that I so long to show.
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I went out this weekend and was happy... I cried openly. I don't feel weak, I feel strong. Strong as we were so close and I don't care who sees me in a fragile state.
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Right now I feel scared... My life is changing, our friends lives are changing and again I have no control of what is happening. I never minded friends lives changing but soon, I am out of work and it all seems a bit too much.. You never knew me out of work and I will hopefully have a new job, a job where no one there knew about you whilst you were alive. This frightens me, they wont understand what's happened.... I just want things to stay the same the way they were. *sob*
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This blog is helping, helping to enable myself to open up. I have never felt able to say what I really want. I felt on autodrive... Just saying what I felt I should say and not really saying this is extremely shit and life seems to be getting harder. I went through a period of 4 months where I could show nothing, not because I did not care, but because I would not admit to myself what had happened.
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An image of you makes me smile, a thought makes me giggle but a memory of our friendship makes me cry.
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I am happiest when I cry, I feel content, content that I am showing you the tears I feel you deserve. I understand that showing no tears does not mean I no longer care, but it is the way I am coping for now. Goodness, if you were here you'd give me what for and tell me to get myself together with a hug, giggle and plenty of sweet flavoured food.
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x X x
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