Help...

I sit here at my desk holding back the tears and the pain that I feel at losing you.
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I feel like I could lose control, however, I am unsure whether I am even in control.
I am thinking of your empty facebook page, no one has used it for months. You have a few messages, but not the type of messages you use to receive.
I know how much you didn't like the messages people wrote on pages of your friends walls who also passed, relaying all the gossip from their lives. Still I suspect I am being 'morbid' in my messages to you here, plus my life doesn't feel too exciting to want to type what is happening.
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I have quite a lot to be excited about, but right now I just want to dig myself a hole, crawl in and gather how I am really feeling, then crawl back out with a new happier attitude.
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I guess from reading my blog entries it is farely obvious that I am depressed.
I saw B on Monday, she too has been told it may be good to talk to a councilor. I know you use to see one, but you had a real reason too, you were dealt a hard card and for you to talk to someone that was not close to you would have been beneficial to your sanity...
I am worried about B, she seems to hide herself away with her feelings, something I know always concerned you. Still her flatmates seem to be so amazing with her and have some experience in enabling her to talk to someone should she feel ready. Still, it really hasn't been long since you left, so I guess in a few months or years she may be ready. In thought, I think we're both still in an element of shock.
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x X x

A smile for you!

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I just smiled....

Smiled that you are at peace...

Peace where you can ran, laugh and tease to your hearts content...

Content that you are now free from pain...

I love you
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x X x

Time...

Times can be 'hard', times can be 'easy' and some times can be 'painful'.
Right now my time is 'painful'...
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I have sat, stood and knelt with pain and tears from missing you. Recently the tears seem to be attached to my heart and my eyes have a strange glaze that is hard to fade.
I am pleased, my openess and hurt is more visual. I hate myself when I can't shed a tear that I so long to show.
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I went out this weekend and was happy... I cried openly. I don't feel weak, I feel strong. Strong as we were so close and I don't care who sees me in a fragile state.
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Right now I feel scared... My life is changing, our friends lives are changing and again I have no control of what is happening. I never minded friends lives changing but soon, I am out of work and it all seems a bit too much.. You never knew me out of work and I will hopefully have a new job, a job where no one there knew about you whilst you were alive. This frightens me, they wont understand what's happened.... I just want things to stay the same the way they were. *sob*
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This blog is helping, helping to enable myself to open up. I have never felt able to say what I really want. I felt on autodrive... Just saying what I felt I should say and not really saying this is extremely shit and life seems to be getting harder. I went through a period of 4 months where I could show nothing, not because I did not care, but because I would not admit to myself what had happened.
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An image of you makes me smile, a thought makes me giggle but a memory of our friendship makes me cry.
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I am happiest when I cry, I feel content, content that I am showing you the tears I feel you deserve. I understand that showing no tears does not mean I no longer care, but it is the way I am coping for now. Goodness, if you were here you'd give me what for and tell me to get myself together with a hug, giggle and plenty of sweet flavoured food.
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x X x

Perfect..

Upon my ledge lays a picture of you and I... A picture that captures the most important and precious day of my life!
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This picture was not there when you were here, nor was it even printed. We never took many photos through the years of our friendship. The photo's we did have were ones taken is jest and would result in either one of us screaming in embarrassment. I could get upset about this, but I dont... For it reminds me that we were troublesome and to even have a regular photo together could be a task.
The picture I have on my ledge is the most beautiful picture of you and I. We are both so incredibly happy and I love that we are make-up free. I also love that you can see 'real' happiness and excitement in our eyes and mouths.
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When I am alone I always light a few candles and the candle nearest your picture always burns the longest and brightest. I find this extremely comforting, yet annoying as I keep having to wait a few days for it to burn out so that I can buy another set of candles. I suspect it is you playing naughty tricks on me. *smile*
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I am going to your home soon to view all the photos they have had printed. I am so excited, as they'll be lots you intended to show me and some we had together recently I have yet to see. Particular photos are standing at the forefront of my mind and others I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised by.

One set of photos I am anxious to see are of us all during your last hospital stay. I am so desperate to see them yet I know I'll be terribly upset...

You were so amazing, you were fighting for each day and still trying to ensure you made us comfortable and happy. You sat yourself up and smiled at the camera with no fear in your eyes, posing for a last photo with each of us. You even asked for one with your 2 favourite girls, your sis and I... I also have a vague recollection that you made them take two shots just to ensure it was right. I am so proud and and honoured that it was I that took the last family photo of you all cuddled together. It had been 2 months previously that I had forced your family to have one, obviously under much happier circumstances. It was so incredibly hard not to cry, but the tears I shed for you at the time were in pure admiration and love I have for you. I am sure when I see these pictures I will cry for the same reasons but this time your mum can join me. She has thanked me with tears in her eyes for forcing you all to have these extremely precious family photographs. I'll be sure to have my tissue at the ready.
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x X x

Stages of grief...

Time and time again I get told about the depths and waves in which bereavement can take a hold of you. I understand that kind folk feel helpless in enabling to console my grief and try to use this as reasurance so I know that I am only human. Unfortunately this only leads me to believe that they are generalizing my 'grief', which to me is too important to be categorized as it is still so very raw.
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We always experienced sad and desperate times together, we'd support each other, encourage one another and most importantly remember the happy times with the 'older' relatives we lost. We'd celebrate their lives and achievements which their bodies were able to give them and distract each others sadness with activities and hobbies we both loved. You always amazed me with your grace and positivity when losing friends under such similar circumstances to yourself. If I could have possessed half the attitude and determination that you held, I would be a much stronger and independant mind.

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The listed stages of bereavement are:
Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance.
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I feel I am suffering, suffering with the reality that I can no longer 'speak', 'hug' or 'comfort' you. The tears I have belong to you, the loneliness I feel is from the empty heart I now own. The grief I have has grasped my heart with two strong hands, and stolen all control of my emotions with doubt I'll ever return to my 'normal' ways. The way I act, feel and think now begs the question, have I ever really suffered 'grief' before? All the loved souls I have lost in my life I have shed tears for, but tears that they have 'lived' their lives and made their accomplishments.
I cannot deal with the concept of you not being here to attend the occasions and activities we'd planned and arranged to do.
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As I am learning each day, you adjust to a new way of living without 'forgetting'. I do not agree that I will 'accept' you are no longer here. I will definately be reunited with you again. Until that day you will remain in my heart and mind, as this is what I find 'encouraging'.

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x X x