Remember.

Today is a day of Remembrance, a day where we remember everyone who has fallen serving our Country. I appreciate this day, as I realise I am here today, through every service persons efforts to ensure our lives remain established as they are today.

My brother was an Army Captain for a fair few years. I know he had a hard time in the service, and I know his passion for being in the army was so that I could sit, read, eat and do anything I liked in life in comfort. Bless them all.

The Remembrance Day today led me to remember aspects of my life that I am grateful for. It occurred to me to recall the struggles in life I had, and a time I escaped by writing a blog. I reread my blog entries, and feel immense heartache for the person I was at the time. I feel like I need to explain the circumstances routing to the need to write my previous entries.

At seven years old I moved to a new area about 6 miles away from my previous home. My new home was in a much more of a village atmosphere, and rather cosy in feel. I started at a new primary school and within three months of being the new girl at school I struck up a very special friendship with another seven year old on the playground bench. As this event was twenty years ago, it’s hard to recall everything, but I will never forget laughing so much and building an amazing friendship with this girl from that day on. Our friendship continued in life until 2008, when sadly she passed away.

Sarah, 23, was born with Cystic Fibrosis (CF), something until reaching Secondary School I would not admit to realising was life threatening. At Junior School my parents sat me down and told me that Sarah was not as well as me and therefore had to take medication every day to make her feel better. A small part of Sarah’s CF treatment meant she had to take enzymes with everything she ate. Unfortunately her pancreas could not break down fat, so therefore these enzymes helped her body do this. Sarah needed a very high in fat diet to retain weight, so therefore she was evidently thinner than most children at her age. Something later in life she had to constantly battle with, was to retain weight, to help enable her fight infections. Something in this memory of my parents talking to me made me engage my brain to know I needed to look after my friend. She was so special that I wanted to make sure that her happiness matched mine and somehow I could help make her better.

Sarah and I went to the same Secondary school, and were lucky enough to be kept in the same class, I suspect now this was not through luck, but more to help support Sarah too. Secondary school was a much more independent place and where we really affirmed our lifelong friendship. I also started to witness the slow decline in Sarah’s health. Admissions into hospital appeared to be more common, and planned events in the last year or so at school could often be cancelled through her tired body needing a well-earned break. This was also the point where Sarah stopped attending Children’s hospital and moved to adult hospital… Something she’d been very apprehensive about, having known the staff at the Children’s hospital since birth, like they were friends and extremely supportive.

Once we reached 17, it was evident we were at a real turning point in our lives. We’d built up a solid 11 year friendship, which some adults today have never managed to establish. We saw each other every day including socialising at the weekends, we knew our hates, frustrations, loves and passions. We always knew what each other thought, and if not we fought until one would agree. There was no room for politeness in our friendship as we were comfortable. At this stage we came as a pair. Our names were joined and an invite to a party had to be extending to both, if you’d expect us to attend. By now, we’d also allowed for boys to come into our lives, as we were both fiercely protective of each other it could be a hard task to be excepting of the others tastes.

At 18 Sarah moved to a university. Sarah managed to stay at university for a term. She’d moved her life into halls, and made a massive stab at doing her degree. Unfortunately, this is the point in life where I noticed life started slowing Sarah down. Hospital admissions were becoming frequent and tiredness was becoming a socialisation killer. At this stage I started university myself but stayed in London, so it was actually very easy to visit Sarah after lectures and build our adult friendship during her hospital admissions. Sarah had to grow up very quickly at this stage, and reality was starting to bite her. Being in an adult ward, the preciousness of life was evident from those around her. At 21, the topic of transplant was soon raised. I remember Sarah telling me and the tears that followed. Who at 21 should be told they may be in for a possible life line?
Sarah was put forward for transplant assessment at 22 and was then on the active transplant list?
During this time, Sarah was often in and out of hospital every two weeks. It was heart-breaking, at this stage she was on o2 24 hours a day and often hooked up to having IVs. Once on the list, we had the most personal and deep chat you could have, and I suspect some may never have. Sarah spoke to me about death. Her wishes, and asks. We cried so much and I remember clearly holding her hand. Her intention whilst on the list was to write individual letters, this never happened, life simply passed by too quickly.

Sadly at 23 Sarahs infection levels were rocket high and she was taken off the transplant list until her levels lowered. Sadly in June 2008 Sarah passed away, at peace with her parents, sister and I at her side. Relief the suffering was offer, but absolutely desperate that we could not believe this possible situation actually arrived.

Reading the previous blogs below it clearly shows my heartache. I feel it is now important to describe my best friend. Life for me could not be any more different to that in 2009, but although my happiness has been reprieved, my heart still aches for the soul who helped create the person I am today…

Heart Ache

I guess losing you is never going to be easy. At this time I remember the last everythings. Right now would be around the last time you ever went outside not knowing that would be the last time.

*

I miss you so much, my life has changed, my feelings have changed but my love for you hasn't. If anything it has grown. I am now in a new job which is impersonal, I travel 3 hours a day and my train of throught is constant. I am enjoying it, it is giving me a new focus and testing me daily.

*

Today my heart is burning, I miss you incredibly and wish I could have a hug or just five minutes time with you to see you are ok. No words need to be passed, because I think that would be too much.

*

I am starting to put my thinking hat on again to raise money and awareness again. I am sorry it has taken me so long, I just needed to be selfish and gather myself. I am now wanting to celebrate the memory of you and perhaps set up a site for you so that any fundraising achievements can go directly there. I would love to know how much money gets raised just in your memory in my lifetime.

*

I am not sure whether I'll ever be able to read the previous posts on here. It really does go to show how hard bereavement is.

xXx

Help...

I sit here at my desk holding back the tears and the pain that I feel at losing you.
*
I feel like I could lose control, however, I am unsure whether I am even in control.
I am thinking of your empty facebook page, no one has used it for months. You have a few messages, but not the type of messages you use to receive.
I know how much you didn't like the messages people wrote on pages of your friends walls who also passed, relaying all the gossip from their lives. Still I suspect I am being 'morbid' in my messages to you here, plus my life doesn't feel too exciting to want to type what is happening.
*
I have quite a lot to be excited about, but right now I just want to dig myself a hole, crawl in and gather how I am really feeling, then crawl back out with a new happier attitude.
*
I guess from reading my blog entries it is farely obvious that I am depressed.
I saw B on Monday, she too has been told it may be good to talk to a councilor. I know you use to see one, but you had a real reason too, you were dealt a hard card and for you to talk to someone that was not close to you would have been beneficial to your sanity...
I am worried about B, she seems to hide herself away with her feelings, something I know always concerned you. Still her flatmates seem to be so amazing with her and have some experience in enabling her to talk to someone should she feel ready. Still, it really hasn't been long since you left, so I guess in a few months or years she may be ready. In thought, I think we're both still in an element of shock.
*

x X x

A smile for you!

*
I just smiled....

Smiled that you are at peace...

Peace where you can ran, laugh and tease to your hearts content...

Content that you are now free from pain...

I love you
*

x X x

Time...

Times can be 'hard', times can be 'easy' and some times can be 'painful'.
Right now my time is 'painful'...
*
I have sat, stood and knelt with pain and tears from missing you. Recently the tears seem to be attached to my heart and my eyes have a strange glaze that is hard to fade.
I am pleased, my openess and hurt is more visual. I hate myself when I can't shed a tear that I so long to show.
*
I went out this weekend and was happy... I cried openly. I don't feel weak, I feel strong. Strong as we were so close and I don't care who sees me in a fragile state.
*
Right now I feel scared... My life is changing, our friends lives are changing and again I have no control of what is happening. I never minded friends lives changing but soon, I am out of work and it all seems a bit too much.. You never knew me out of work and I will hopefully have a new job, a job where no one there knew about you whilst you were alive. This frightens me, they wont understand what's happened.... I just want things to stay the same the way they were. *sob*
*
This blog is helping, helping to enable myself to open up. I have never felt able to say what I really want. I felt on autodrive... Just saying what I felt I should say and not really saying this is extremely shit and life seems to be getting harder. I went through a period of 4 months where I could show nothing, not because I did not care, but because I would not admit to myself what had happened.
*
An image of you makes me smile, a thought makes me giggle but a memory of our friendship makes me cry.
*
I am happiest when I cry, I feel content, content that I am showing you the tears I feel you deserve. I understand that showing no tears does not mean I no longer care, but it is the way I am coping for now. Goodness, if you were here you'd give me what for and tell me to get myself together with a hug, giggle and plenty of sweet flavoured food.
*

x X x

Perfect..

Upon my ledge lays a picture of you and I... A picture that captures the most important and precious day of my life!
*
This picture was not there when you were here, nor was it even printed. We never took many photos through the years of our friendship. The photo's we did have were ones taken is jest and would result in either one of us screaming in embarrassment. I could get upset about this, but I dont... For it reminds me that we were troublesome and to even have a regular photo together could be a task.
The picture I have on my ledge is the most beautiful picture of you and I. We are both so incredibly happy and I love that we are make-up free. I also love that you can see 'real' happiness and excitement in our eyes and mouths.
*
When I am alone I always light a few candles and the candle nearest your picture always burns the longest and brightest. I find this extremely comforting, yet annoying as I keep having to wait a few days for it to burn out so that I can buy another set of candles. I suspect it is you playing naughty tricks on me. *smile*
*
I am going to your home soon to view all the photos they have had printed. I am so excited, as they'll be lots you intended to show me and some we had together recently I have yet to see. Particular photos are standing at the forefront of my mind and others I'm sure I'll be pleasantly surprised by.

One set of photos I am anxious to see are of us all during your last hospital stay. I am so desperate to see them yet I know I'll be terribly upset...

You were so amazing, you were fighting for each day and still trying to ensure you made us comfortable and happy. You sat yourself up and smiled at the camera with no fear in your eyes, posing for a last photo with each of us. You even asked for one with your 2 favourite girls, your sis and I... I also have a vague recollection that you made them take two shots just to ensure it was right. I am so proud and and honoured that it was I that took the last family photo of you all cuddled together. It had been 2 months previously that I had forced your family to have one, obviously under much happier circumstances. It was so incredibly hard not to cry, but the tears I shed for you at the time were in pure admiration and love I have for you. I am sure when I see these pictures I will cry for the same reasons but this time your mum can join me. She has thanked me with tears in her eyes for forcing you all to have these extremely precious family photographs. I'll be sure to have my tissue at the ready.
*

x X x

Stages of grief...

Time and time again I get told about the depths and waves in which bereavement can take a hold of you. I understand that kind folk feel helpless in enabling to console my grief and try to use this as reasurance so I know that I am only human. Unfortunately this only leads me to believe that they are generalizing my 'grief', which to me is too important to be categorized as it is still so very raw.
*
We always experienced sad and desperate times together, we'd support each other, encourage one another and most importantly remember the happy times with the 'older' relatives we lost. We'd celebrate their lives and achievements which their bodies were able to give them and distract each others sadness with activities and hobbies we both loved. You always amazed me with your grace and positivity when losing friends under such similar circumstances to yourself. If I could have possessed half the attitude and determination that you held, I would be a much stronger and independant mind.

*
The listed stages of bereavement are:
Denial
Bargaining
Anger
Depression
Acceptance.
*

I feel I am suffering, suffering with the reality that I can no longer 'speak', 'hug' or 'comfort' you. The tears I have belong to you, the loneliness I feel is from the empty heart I now own. The grief I have has grasped my heart with two strong hands, and stolen all control of my emotions with doubt I'll ever return to my 'normal' ways. The way I act, feel and think now begs the question, have I ever really suffered 'grief' before? All the loved souls I have lost in my life I have shed tears for, but tears that they have 'lived' their lives and made their accomplishments.
I cannot deal with the concept of you not being here to attend the occasions and activities we'd planned and arranged to do.
*
As I am learning each day, you adjust to a new way of living without 'forgetting'. I do not agree that I will 'accept' you are no longer here. I will definately be reunited with you again. Until that day you will remain in my heart and mind, as this is what I find 'encouraging'.

*

x X x